Healing from shame and self-criticism with an LGBTQ affirming Portland Therapist

Portland has a reputation for being a welcoming and inclusive city for the Queer community. For many people within the LGBTQ+ community, the city offers a sense of safety and belonging that can feel elusive elsewhere. But even in a city that celebrates diversity, the weight of self-criticism and shame can persist, often shaped by past experiences with discrimination, Queerphobic trauma, rejection, and the long-lasting impacts internalized stigma. These challenges can feel like an invisible burden others don’t see - but they don’t have to stay that way.

As a Portland therapist specializing in mindfulness, self-compassion, and LGBTQ+-affirming therapy, I’ve seen how transformative it can be to address self-criticism and shame with support and approaches that fit with the needs of the Queer community. Let’s explore why these feelings are so dang persistent, how they show up in the LGBTQ+ experience, and some steps you can take to heal and move forward.

What Is Self-Criticism, and Why Is It So Persistent?

The inner critic can feel like an ever-present voice pointing out every perceived flaw. It might say things like, “Why can’t you do anything right?” or “You sure messed that up.” For people in the LGBTQ+ community, this critic can be amplified by societal messages that tell you to fit in, tone down, or change who you are.

Let’s Check Out an Example:

Imagine you’re preparing to go to a gathering that you’ve been looking forward to. It’s important for you to connect with other people and you want to make a positive impression, but your inner critic starts whispering:

“What if no one likes me?”
“I’ll probably say something embarrassing.”

By the time you arrive, your energy is drained, and you’re too anxious and hypervigilant to fully engage. This cycle of self-criticism keeps you feeling stuck and isolated, avoiding opportunities and placing others’ worth above your own.

Persistent self-criticism often stems from early life experiences. Maybe you grew up hearing judgmental comments, or perhaps heteronormative pressures (sometimes blatant, other times subtle) left you feeling “different” or “not enough.” Therapy provides support in uncovering the impact of invalidating, critical experiences, helping you understand that self-criticism isn’t a personal failing - it’s a learned response that can be unlearned.

How Shame Can Hold You Back from Living Authentically

Even in a progressive city like Portland, societal progress doesn’t always reach the internal narratives shaped by years of invalidation or exclusion. Shame often lurks in the background, whispering, “You don’t deserve to take up space.” It can manifest in subtle ways, like avoiding eye contact during conversations or downplaying your achievements to avoid attention. For the LGBTQ+ community, shame may be linked to:

Experiences of rejection or invalidation from family or peers.
Navigating societal expectations that feel impossible to meet.
Internalizing negative stereotypes or messages about your identity (this can be subtle).

Shame can be a challenging feeling to work with. It’s different from guilt because with guilt there is usually a way to either do something differently or repair a relationship. Shame is tied to a strong belief that you have some inherent defect – How is someone supposed to work with that?

Consider This Scenario

Consider a time when you received praise but quickly dismissed it, thinking, “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t say that.” Shame creates a strong disconnect between who you are and how you perceive yourself, making it difficult to embrace your strengths…or even recognize them.

Breaking free from the oppressive nature of shame starts with acknowledging its presence. With time, therapy can help you move from self-doubt to self-acceptance - a chance to have an authentic sense of self and the freedom to relate to others from that place.

Support From an LGBTQ+-Affirming Therapist

Therapy will be most effective when you feel understood and validated, not having to translate experiences to feel seen. For many LGBTQ+ clients, therapy becomes a space where you don’t have to explain or justify your feelings - it’s a space where your full self is welcomed and celebrated.

As an LGBTQ therapist in Portland, I provide a space where you won’t have to explain or defend your lived experiences. Instead, we focus on healing the impacts of discrimination, building self-compassion, and embracing your authentic self.

A Mindfulness-Based Approach to Self-Criticism

Mindfulness offers a way to step back from self-critical thoughts and see them for what they are - just thoughts, not facts. By bringing awareness to the thoughts of your inner critic, you can interrupt the cycle of self-judgment and begin responding with curiosity and care.

Mindfulness Exercise: Naming the Inner Critic

Find a quiet space to sit in a comfortable and upright position. Close your eyes or gently rest your gaze out on a spot in front of you.
When self-critical thoughts arise, name them gently: “That’s my inner critic speaking.”
Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself: “These thoughts are not truths. They are passing ideas.”
Visualize the thoughts floating away, like clouds passing in the sky.

Practicing this helps create distance between you and your inner critic, giving you a chance to respond with compassion instead of judgment. This mindfulness technique is just a start—working with a Portland therapist can help you explore personalized strategies for managing self-criticism.

Self-Compassion: A Powerful Framework for Overcoming Shame

Self-compassion shifts the focus from “What’s wrong with me?” to “How can I best support myself in this moment?” It’s about treating yourself with the kindness you’d offer a dear friend.

Self-Compassion Exercise: Writing a Letter to Yourself

Think about a recent moment when you felt ashamed or self-critical. If this is your first time trying this exercise, it’s important to choose an example that is not too intense but that still brings about that feeling of shame.
Write a letter to yourself as if you were a friend, offering understanding and encouragement. For example:

“I know this was hard for you, and it’s okay to feel upset. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough.”

Read the letter aloud to yourself, noticing how it feels to hear supportive words.

This practice reinforces the idea that you deserve compassion, even when facing difficult emotions.

How Therapy Can Help You Break Free from Self-Criticism and Shame

Therapy provides a supportive environment to heal from self-criticism and shame. Together, we’ll:

Explore the origins of these feelings.
Develop tools like mindfulness and self-compassion to challenge negative patterns and build new, supportive practices.
Build a stronger sense of self-worth and resilience.

Whether you’re navigating shame tied to LGBTQ+ experiences or struggling with anxiety, therapy offers a path to healing and empowerment. Therapy can help to create long-term benefits like building emotional resilience and fostering stronger relationships.

Ready to Reclaim Your Confidence? Let’s Work Together

Eric Goodwin, Portland Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor

Living with self-criticism and shame can feel intense and exhausting, but it doesn’t have to define you. Therapy provides the support to transform these challenges into opportunities for growth.

As a Portland therapist, I specialize in mindfulness, self-compassion, and LGBTQ+-affirming therapy. Together, we’ll work on reframing self-critical thoughts and embracing your authentic self with confidence. If you’re searching for a Queer therapist, healing from shame and self-criticism, or therapy for anxiety in Portland, this is a place where you can grow.

Your path to healing starts with one step. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today by calling 971-533-5590 or clicking here and let’s see how I can best help you!

Self-Criticism and Shame: How a LGBTQ+-Affirming Portland Therapist Can Help